


Night Air

by dreamthievespart17



Series: Night (Soft Rovinsky) [1]
Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Late Night Conversations, M/M, Nicknames, Panic Attacks, Suicidal Thoughts, does kavinsky matter??, i mean why do we only call him Kavinsky??, im looking at you richard, im so in love with joey, names have power, what a rude thing to say, who’s the real villain here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-18
Updated: 2020-08-18
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:40:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25981495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreamthievespart17/pseuds/dreamthievespart17
Summary: Kavinsky is having a breakdown, so he calls Ronan and they go for a drive...
Relationships: Joseph Kavinsky/Ronan Lynch
Series: Night (Soft Rovinsky) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2056350
Comments: 4
Kudos: 37





	Night Air

The night air was cool and crisp as Ronan stepped out of Monmouth and into the beyond. He sucked in a breath and exhaled slowly, watching the cloud of mist that flowed out of his open mouth. Not far away from him, a white Mitsubishi hid in the shadows just beyond the reach of the glinting streetlamp and inside, a boy with opalescent sunglasses and a razor sharp smile awaited. 

Gathering his composure, Ronan moved towards the car with the air of someone about to do something that they knew they shouldn’t, as he clicked open the car door and slid into the passenger seat. 

“Ronan.” 

“Kavinsky.” 

After several seconds of silence drifted away, Ronan spoke once more. “Kavinsky,” he repeated quietly. “What are we doing?”

Kavinsky glanced at him and raised the corner of his mouth into a faux-smirk. “What are we ever doing, Dreamer?” He tilted back his head and let out a short huff of laughter. “I don’t know. I. Don’t. Know. I called you because I wanted company, alright, and none of the others understand.”

“Understand what, Kavinsky?”

Kavinsky shrugged. “Life. Death. Dreams. Reality. What it feels like to be a living god. I don’t know. Can we just go for a drive?”

Ronan swallowed and then slowly nodded.

Kavinsky grimaced and started the car, letting the engine whine as he sped away from Monmouth. 

Ronan stared at him for a moment and then turned away to face the window. He rolled it down and let his arm hang out, fingers quickly becoming numb as cold air passed over them. The rushing wind from the open window served as a keeling sort of white noise, leaving Ronan feeling like he was deaf at the lack of variation in sound. He turned to look at Kavinsky and found him white knuckled from griping the steering wheel too-tight as they rushed past Henrietta and into the night. 

“Kavinsky,” Ronan said, just barely audible over the wind and Kavinsky turned to glance at him out of the corner of his eye. 

“Ronan. My name is Joseph. Call me that if you believe that I’m human like you.”

“Joseph,” Ronan whispered, more quietly than before, but Kavinsky still heard him and seemed to relax a bit as the syllables flowed from Ronan’s mouth. “Joseph. Are you alright?”

Kavinsky huffed a laugh. “Am I ever alright? No. The answer is no, I’m not alright. There’s something wrong with me and I don’t know how to fix it. I’m fucked up, Ronan. I know it and I know you do too. Do you really believe that I’m human? That I _feel_ things, y’know the way normal people do.”

Ronan was silent for a moment, before he responded, saying what he knew he should. “Of course you do. Of course you feel things.”

“But Dick doesn’t believe that. You know he doesn’t. Said it to my face that I don’t even matter.”

Ronan’s mouth tightened in response. “He didn’t mean that.”

Kavinsky glanced at him out of the corner of his eye. “Don’t fucking lie to me. Of course he did. The question is… was he right? I’m a living god, but no one cares if I live or die. Do I matter or not? Maybe we’ll never know…”

“Joseph. Everyone matters. Gansey only said that because he’s fucking pissed that I still hang around you.”

Kavinsky pulled off his shades and threw them into the back seat as he stopped the car on an empty highway. With the sunglasses gone, Ronan could see the tears flowing freely down from his bloodshot eyes and the pain that pierced him with each falling drop. 

Ronan took a breath, then took Kavinsky’s – Joseph’s – hand, intertwining their fingers. “You know I’m not good with words. I don’t know how to explain it to you, but believe me that you matter. You matter to me and your pack and others, you just don’t know it.”

Joseph began shaking suddenly before bursting out with heaving sobs. “Fuck. FUCK. I WANTED TO FUCKING DO IT. I WANTED TO FUCKING OFF MYSELF TONIGHT, BUT I CALLED YOU INSTEAD. DO YOU KNOW HOW FUCKING HARD IT IS TO KNOW THAT THE WORLD FUCKING HATES ME? THAT EVERYONE THINKS I’M WORTHLESS AND WILL NEVER GO ANYWHERE? THAT I’LL DIE BEFORE I’M TWENTY AND NO ONE WILL SHED A FUCKING TEAR?” He shuddered, trying to breathe as his body shook at the intensity of all the pain he was releasing all at once. He looked back at Ronan, eyes flicking to their intertwined hands for a mere moment. “Do you know how it feels to know that you don’t matter?” 

Throughout it all, Ronan had squeezed his hand and Joseph had squeezed back, pouring out all his anger into sound and into physical pressure as he pressed into Ronan’s hand with all the fight he had left in him. 

“You matter, Joseph. You will always matter, to me. Anyone who thinks otherwise can go fuck themselves.” He paused looking up at the ceiling, then back to Joseph, sliding an arm around his shoulders, letting him rest his head on Ronan’s chest. “I think we should stay here for tonight.”

Joseph raised his eyebrows. “Don’t you have to get back to your Dick?”

Ronan shook his head slowly. “He doesn’t need me. Tonight, Joey, I’m yours.”

Joey was shivering, still shaking from the outburst that had claimed all of his energy, clutching at Ronan’s shirt in a rare display of vulnerability. Ronan carefully lifted a hand and rested it on Joey’s head, cautiously beginning to stroke his hair with slow, gentle movements. 

With him, Ronan never knew what was okay. What he was feeling or who he wanted to be that night: Kavinsky, Joseph, Joey or himself – whoever that was. Ronan loved some versions more than others, but whether he would admit it or not, he cared about all of them deeply, and tonight he knew that he was needed. Just to be there, to anchor him as he lay beneath the stars. 

Ronan may not have understood what it was like to feel as though he didn’t matter, but he was familiar with the feeling of desperation that came with wanting to drive, but knowing that no matter how far away you went, you would never be free.

And so they lay there, Kavinsky – Joseph – Joey – resting his head on Ronan’s chest as the two of them slept. And for that one night, it was enough. Ronan may not have been his forever, but he loved him, for just one night. Just one night. 

The cool night air washed over them and they lay slumbering in a white Mitsubishi in the middle of a ghost-filled highway, as they met each other in their dreams, dreaming of… the beyond.

**Author's Note:**

> The image of Ronan and K in a car at night was plaguing my mind, so I decided to make it happen. Also, I wanted to write some angst. Feel free to interpret the end as you will, I left it open ended on purpose.


End file.
